Socks

(originally written 1/18)

 

I have a pair of your socks

I have a pair of your socks and I keep them in my sock box

my box of socks

but I don’t think you want them back

you probably have lots of socks

Better socks

Prettier socks

So why bother remembering the navy blue crews you left with me?

I meant to give them back a few other times but I would forget,

get lost in your laugh,

have a moment of confusion where I thought we were already a union

and what was yours was mine,

and I didn’t wanna waste your time so,

I didn’t give them to you and now I have them

that’s how that works I guess

but I’m not sad about it

I don’t see them very often so it doesn’t make me sad

I just like to know that they’re there.

When I pack up to move, though, I don’t know

what I will do with them.

I play a game with myself where I hide things so that I won’t throw them out

Like you

I knew that what we had couldn’t possibly be sweet enough to last and so I left things unsaid

left sentiments and questions of intent hidden under my tongue

In closets I hid from you my worries

my flings and my doubts

I didn’t post on social media because I didn’t want you to think about

what I do when you’re not around

The hiding didn’t last though and now you know that there are parts of me you’d rather not see

if you had the chance you’d swap them for something easier than

loud easier than sweet and honest

easier than loving me

The others keep piling but

they all add up to disappointment

I let them into my apartment until they make me sad

because I’m not going to lie, I like my suitors

they are each very special to me.

But it’s only fun until I remember.

Only flirtatious until their hands feel unfamiliar.

Only hot until I can’t breathe and they have to get out.

I won’t force them to leave but I will shut down until they can’t stay.

Your eyes that looked at me with goodness and green

They are better than every seduction

Than every beer stained bra

Every mark left on my neck

which I kept captive and actively hid from you

I was afraid that I might fall short of the ideal you had in your head

I wanted to be perfect

these men that claimed me as their own

at least for a night

took my hands 

my mouth and

tried to use them for their glory

tried to make me feel perfect but in their attempts lie my regret

For my sin cannot be covered by their worship of my body

I cannot be loved by liquor alone

They want to hold me

to keep them warm at night with my skin

which I didn’t sign up to give

not really.

And my remnant of you is a pair of socks

that you sacrificed to keep my feet from freezing

So thank you and if you don’t mind keeping secrets

I will keep my box of socks unlocked

but your socks I’ll make sure to keep on top